Written by Colleen Noggle
As I discussed in my last blog, we know at least in theory boundaries are biblical. Knowing that is one thing. The hard part comes when we actually try to set one. Saying no is difficult enough, but then watching someone become angry, hurt or disappointed because of that can make us question whether we did the right thing. For many Christian women, the moment we consider saying no, a wave of guilt or fear rises up. What if they’re hurt? What if they get angry? What if I’m being unloving? These questions keep us trapped in patterns that slowly erode our relationships, and even our walk with God.
The encouraging thing is that this isn’t a new problem. God’s people have been wrestling with these issues for a very long time, and the Bible gives us practical guidance. Moses learned this lesson firsthand. Early in Israel’s history, he tried to carry everyone’s problems himself. From morning until evening, he judged disputes among the people. His father-in-law Jethro recognized that this approach was unsustainable and warned, “Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out” (Exodus 18:18). God never intended Moses to carry every burden alone.
Setting boundaries is an act of self-control and responsibility. People who set limits exhibit the kind of maturity that protects both themselves and the people they love. By limiting the things that are destructive, we protect the things that are good. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is refuse to rescue someone from the natural consequences of their choices.
The father in the parable of the prodigal son provides a perfect example of this. He did not chase after his son or prevent him from making foolish choices. Instead, he allowed his son to leave and experience the consequences of his decisions. When the son finally came to himself and returned, the father welcomed him with open arms. Sometimes love allows people the freedom to learn difficult lessons.
I hope that it goes without saying that we should still pray for these people. We should always be praying for each other and encouraging one another with the truth of God.
But, when we begin to set boundaries, we will almost always face resentment. The most common form of resentment is anger. Sometimes the people who react most strongly to our boundaries have become accustomed to getting their way. They may believe that the world exists for their comfort. If you stay firm, they are forced to learn self-control instead of using anger to control or manipulate you. We even see this principle in God’s dealings with mankind. Throughout the Bible, God warns, teaches, corrects, and extends mercy. Yet there are times when people repeatedly reject Him, and He allows them to experience the consequences of their choices.
Even Jesus did not allow the demands of others to dictate every moment of His time. There were occasions when crowds sought Him, but He withdrew to pray (Luke 5:15-16). At other times He left one area to continue preaching elsewhere because He understood His mission (Mark 1:35-38). Some people undoubtedly wanted Him to stay, but Christ was guided by the Father’s will not the expectations of others.
Sometimes the pushback isn’t anger at all. Sometimes it’s guilt. People who are manipulative and controlling are often skilled at making us feel guilt for how they are feeling. “If you really loved me, you would…” or “After all I’ve done for you…” These kinds of statements are designed to manipulate us into changing our choices.
David repeatedly faced attempts by Saul to manipulate him through emotion, promises, and pressure. Yet David understood that he could honor Saul’s position as king without surrendering to Saul’s unhealthy demands. Respecting someone does not require allowing them to control us.
God never says we must always give whatever someone demands. We are free to choose, and we are responsible for our choices. When a guilt message comes, we must practice empathy with their distress, but we must make it clear that the distress is theirs. We should listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. But we cannot take the blame or responsibility for their actions. As Christian women we should care deeply about someone’s struggle without taking responsibility for fixing it. Again, we can offer prayer for the situation and encouragement from God’s word.
One of the biggest sources of confusion for Christians is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. The Bible is clear on both. We are always called to forgive so bitterness does not take root. Forgiveness requires only one person, us. Reconciliation, however, requires two. God has forgiven the world, yet not everyone is reconciled to Him. We can offer reconciliation, but it must be contingent on the other person owning their part and showing trustworthy change. True repentance is more than “I’m sorry.” You do not have to allow other people to continuously hurt you. You can wait to let them back into your life until you see fruit of true repentance.
In parenting, boundaries are equally vital. Children need to understand that their choices matter and have consequences. Every parent has experienced the child who melts down after hearing the word “no.” In that moment we have a choice. We can remove the discomfort, or we can help our child learn that disappointment is part of life. Our children need to learn to recognize that the world does not revolve around them. As Christian mothers we must teach these lessons early in a child’s life. This will help prepare them for adulthood. When we fail to teach our children, someone who is less loving may force the lesson on them in a much harsher way. Since children see our example, we will increase our children’s chances of developing healthy limits of their own as we learn more about our own boundaries. I will give more detail on this in a later blog where I will be discussing in more detail about teaching children how to say and accept no.
The Bible also gives us a warning example in Eli. Although he spoke to his sons about their behavior, he failed to restrain them (1 Samuel 2:22-25; 3:13). The result was devastating both for his family and for Israel. Loving our children includes teaching them that actions have consequences.
Setting boundaries can be hard and requires some forethought. We need to decide what our limits are before we’re in the heat of the moment. It also helps to determine ahead of time how we will respond if those limits are ignored. Clear communication matters, but lengthy explanations usually don’t.
Nehemiah provides a good example of healthy boundaries. When opponents repeatedly tried to distract him from rebuilding Jerusalem’s wall, he responded, “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down” (Nehemiah 6:3). He understood his priorities and refused to be pulled away from them.
As Christian women, we must be able to identify our own personal triggers, so we know whether we are reacting because of old wounds. We must communicate our boundaries simply and without lengthy justification. We must prioritize self-care, so we have something to give to someone in need. We must stay connected to our Church family who will help and support our growth.
Growth in this area doesn’t usually happen overnight. If past experiences taught us that setting limits was unsafe or unloving, we can start with small, low-stakes situations. We should practice saying no in places where the risk feels manageable and less stressful. Mature boundaries are not frantic or reactive. They are steady and they protect the time, talents, and treasures God has given to us for this life.
Paul, near the end of his race, could say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:6-7). That kind of finishing requires the quiet courage to say no when needed, not as an attack, not as punishment, but as protection of the life God has given. There will be skirmishes, there will be losses, but the reward is a life marked by freedom, healthier relationships, and the deep joy of walking in step with the One who designed us to live within wise limits.
Keep in mind that it is not selfish to set boundaries. The goal isn’t to push people away. The goal is to become a wiser steward of the life God has given us. Healthy boundaries make us more available for the relationships and responsibilities that truly matter.